The Pitfalls of Being Sober
by poke-a-spark
Summary: Shepard gets drunk in Purgatory and decides to hang out with Aria, whether the asari wants the company or not. Unfortunately for Aria, intoxicated Shepard is even less reasonable than sober Shepard.


**The Pitfalls of Being Sober**

**Summary:**** Shepard gets drunk in Purgatory and decides to hang out with Aria, whether the asari wants the company or not. Unfortunately for Aria, intoxicated Shepard is even less reasonable than sober Shepard.**

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Mass Effect or anything associated with it. I am not making a profit off of this story. I am just a poor college kid who is addicted to the game.**

_**A/N: Takes place after you unite the merc gangs on the Citadel under Aria, but before the Omega and Citadel DLCs. I *suppose* you could consider it a prequel to Sympathetic Fools, since I have the same Shepard in mind...**_

**O0o0o0o0o0o0O**

"Shepard." Aria's eyes, previously closed in aggravation, cracked open enough to shoot a side-glare at the human sitting next to her. "As utterly _enjoyable_ as your company is, don't you have somewhere else to be? A galaxy to save, perhaps, or something as equally heroic?"

"Shhh," Shepard shushed the asari loudly, attempting to press her finger to the other's lips only to lose her balance and pitch sideways. Her reflexes, though dulled considerably by the copious amounts of alcohol flowing through her system, kicked in just in time to save her face from meeting the hard floor. Hauling herself back upright onto the shiny couch, she grinned victoriously. "M'okay."

"Oh good; I was worried there for a moment," Aria retorted sarcastically, vaguely noting with slight aggravation that the spectre was now sitting much closer on the couch than she was previously.

"That's… That's so…" Shepard gazed at the rigid form beside her, her expressive face showing how deeply touched she was at the words. "I just want to hug you now."

"Shepard." Blue eyes locked sharply onto uncomfortably close silvery green orbs, her frigid glare wasted on the intoxicated human. "If you do anything of the sort I will be forced to make a scene. Suffice to say, it will _not_ be pleasant for you."

"You care about me," Shepard mumbled in delight, her slightly muffled words tinged with slight awe. Bringing her drink to her mouth, she furrowed her brows and looked dumbly into the empty glass when nothing came out.

"Nonsense," Aria replied, her tone dismissive. "I'd simply rather not exert the energy required to dislodge you, small as it may be in your current state."

"You... you don't like me?" The human's armoured shoulders slumped in disappointment. Gazing despondently into the bottom of her glass, she suddenly straightened and exclaimed decisively. "I need a drink." Trying to stand up, her legs cut out before she was even able to stand upright, resulting in her flopping ungracefully back down to the couch. Frowning in consternation, her eyes alit on one of the asari's guards standing at attention off to the side, brightening her expression considerably. "Hey, you! Grimm… Gritt… Gribbit… whatever your name is; can you go get me a drink? My legs are broken."

"Trust me; if I didn't like you, you'd know." Her tone dry, she glanced at the shifting guard and faintly shook her head to the side. "I think you've had enough."

"You're cutting me off?" Shepard blinked owlishly, flabbergasted. "You can't do that."

"Oh?" A blue brow slowly rose in amusement. "You'll find that I can do a lot of things."

"You can't… You can't do that," Shepard reiterated stubbornly, cheeks puffing out in indignation. "You're not the boss of me."

"If you're not careful, I'll take that as a challenge," Aria warned, slightly entertained despite herself at the human's shock. "You obviously can't hold your liquor half as well as you think you can, and though this club is severely lacking in many aspects, it does not require the addition of your vomit." Her lips curled slightly in distaste as she took in the hell hole she was forced to occupy at the moment. "Admittedly, however, even that may be an improvement."

"I'm not drunk!" Shepard insisted adamantly, her face twisted in a stubborn scowl. Opening her mouth to support her statement with a spectacularly insightful argument, she paused as her brain finally caught up and processed the words that the asari had spoken. Tilting her head to the side, she gazed thoughtfully at her companion, her previously irate expression melting into something altogether more maudlin.

"What?" Aria snapped in annoyance, ultimately attempting to cover up the fact that the commander's dopey stare was beginning to unnerve her.

Shepard blinked, her response slightly delayed as she cleared her suddenly tight throat. "I-I wasn't sure. At first." Her voice was thick with emotion, her words interspersed with the occasional sniffle. "But… But you care about my health _and_ my safety."

"Oh hell," to the asari's growing horror, she could just make out a watery sheen at the corner of the pale green eyes. "Oh _fuck_ no. You're not going to start _crying_, are you?"

"And you care about my emotional state too!" Shepard blinked rapidly, a watery but thrilled smile dominating her face.

Outwardly keeping her expression a mask of stoic disdain, Aria nevertheless blanched on the inside; she wasn't equipped to deal with this. The only time people cried around her was while they were being tortured. Or dying. The human beside her, however, was unfortunately valuable and typically bearable. Those qualities were a distinctly rare combination in her line of work. Her usual methods of silencing such behaviour, therefore, were not viable and thus she was left frantically scrambling for a solution to stonewall the tears before they turned into a full on sob.

"You're… You're like Garrus… Just Liara shaped… and not sibling-y…" Aria watched in dread as the watery orbs doubled their liquid output; it wouldn't be long before the tears would start sliding down the human's pale face. "I… I think I'm going to hug you. O-or kiss you. Or hug you. M'kay?"

"Grizz!" Aria barked, not even waiting for him to acknowledge her call before continuing her demand. "Get the commander a drink. Make it a strong one." With any luck the human would be more manageable when unconscious.

"You're so nice to me," Shepard's voice cracked as she gazed adoringly into blue eyes.

Alarmed at the fact that the spectre was getting closer, a blue hand shot out and grasped the armored shoulder. Confused for a moment as to why she was no longer moving forward, Shepard glanced down and blinked before allowing a sappy smile to show. Reaching up, she grabbed the blue hand and held it in-between both of hers. Eyeing the foreign appendages holding her hand captive warily, like one would look at a diseased insect, Aria gave an experimental tug.

Her hand didn't budge.

Growling inaudibly, she closed her eyes once again in aggravation. The commander, at least for the moment, seemed perfectly content to hold her hand and didn't seem to be on the verge of bawling at the drop of a hat anymore. Still, Aria was unsure if she would classify this development as an improvement. Despite her mixed thoughts at the situation she now found herself in, she did not attempt to reclaim her hand again.

Her mantra, for the moment, was replaying over and over again in her mind; she needed Shepard. Shepard was akin to a force of nature, and she needed that force of nature on her side to reclaim Omega. She needed Shepard. She couldn't alienate Shepard, because she needed Shepard. Or, perhaps she didn't _need_ Shepard, however her plans _would_ be much easier to initiate and carry out with the human's help.

Nevertheless, the thought that was currently predominate in her mind was the fact that she did not want Shepard to start crying. Not only would it be terribly annoying, but due to the fact that she required Shepard on her side, she'd actually have to sit through the sobbing and figure out a way to turn it off _without_ resorting to violence. If allowing the commander to fawn over her hand for the moment would stop her from turning into a blubbering mess, well… Sacrifices had to be made.

Thankfully, after a few long minutes, her salvation from the awkward situation came in the form of a quickly approaching batarian. Not bothering to ask what it was, she grabbed the proffered drink and shoved it under the commander's nose. As the human reached out a hand to grab the glass, she took the opportunity to reclaim her appendage and crossed her arms. "Drink it."

Shepard, also not bothering to ask what was in the glass, shrugged and did as she was told. Her throat was rather dry, anyways; who was she to look a gift varren in the mouth?

**O0o0O**

"You're Omega, right? Right? Right. So, does that mean if someone pissed on Omega they'd be pissing on you?"

Aria exhaled slowly through her nose, her mantra practically burned into her mind after the amount of times it was repeated that night alone. Raising her hand she futilely, and not for the first time that night, attempted to rub away the migraine building between her eyes. It was just her luck that the extra glass of alcohol didn't knock the commander out but instead made the situation worse. Not only was the human chattier, but it would seem that the last drink served to completely obliterate any filters she had left.

"Actually, with the amount of people who do piss on Omega- because a lot of people piss on Omega. I mean, everyone on Omega pisses on Omega… except the hanar. I think. Maybe." Shepard looked briefly confused, her head tilted to the side in thought. "I think I don't want to know. But with the amount of people who do piss on Omega, I'd imagine you'd be… yellower."

"Shepard," Aria intoned emotionlessly.

"Unless…" Shepard's wide eyes lit up as she had what she figured was an epiphany. "Unless all the yellow just made you bluer? Because Blue and blue... no, wait… blue and yellow make… Oh, wait; scratch that thought." Her nose scrunched up as she remembered blue and yellow made green. "Unless you're actually green and you dye yourself blue?"

"Shepard." She tried increasing her volume, but by this point the human was too ensconced in her own convoluted train of thought to pay her any attention.

"Because it's completely possibibble, y'know? Shialalala is green now. But that's because a plant ate her." Shepard peered suspiciously at the asari. "You haven't been eaten by any plants lately, have you?"

"_Shepard_." Aria drew out the word, more than exasperated. She'd been bombarded by different inane questions and confusing tangents for the past hour, ever since the commander had finished her last drink.

"No, I don't suppose you have." She nodded decisively at her own reasoning. "It would be pretty hard to hide something like that. But on that note, do the other splecies urid- urnin- do the other splecies pee in yellow too, or is it just humans? Yellow is such a… such a weird color. I'd like to pee in green; it's my favorite color. Blue's okay too. Do you pee in blue?"

Staring deadpan at the serious face the human wore as she continued to question her about the color of her _piss_ of all things, Aria's patience finally snapped. It was like having to deal with her ninety-eight year old daughter all over again after she had decided to 'explore the galaxy' without her guards and ended up getting kidnapped by a group of idiotic slavers. Only worse; this time she was unable to kill anyone to vent her frustrations.

Fed up with the human's refusal to acknowledge her, Aria did the only thing she could think of at the moment to shut her up; she sent a warp careening towards the spectre's nose. It was a testament of her restraint that the biotic ball was the size of a pea and was about as damaging as a hard flick on the nose.

Startled, Shepard's hands flew to her abused nose. Blinking her heavily dilated eyes rapidly, her mind sluggishly connected the dots. Staring at the asari, recognition finally flared in her eyes as she smiled.

Unfortunately for both parties, the wrong dots were connected.

"Hey!" Shepard grinned. "I can do that too!" Sticking her tongue out in concentration, she narrowed her eyes as an unstable flickering glow appeared around her hand.

Alarmed, Aria sent another warp; this one was slightly stronger and ultimately garnered a yelp from the intoxicated recipient. "No." Her voice was sharp and firm, as if speaking to an unruly child or a disobedient pet. "No. We do _not_ play with biotics while under the influence. Got it?"

Eyes wide, Shepard nodded, hands once again clasped over her nose; this time, however, they were acting as a shield against further attacks.

"Good. Are you listening to me now?"

Shepard nodded once more, still eyeing the glowing blue hands warily.

"Good." Aria exhaled loudly, glaring at the human in irritation as she allowed the biotic field to dissipate. "Now sit _quietly_ or _leave_." After receiving the acknowledging nod, she was satisfied that her orders would be followed and turned her glare on her stoic guard. "What the _fuck_ did you give her?"

True to his training, the batarian showed none of his emotions on his face, despite the fact that he was shit-terrified inside at having that glare directed at him. Surely the intoxicated commander had a set of steel balls for brushing off his boss' ire like it was nothing. "I asked the bartender for something strong; he gave me that saying he just got it in and that it packed a hell of a punch."

"What was it called?" Aria bit out through clenched teeth, her ire inflaming at the obvious stalling.

"Uh…" Grizz hesitated, scrambling for the name of the exotic drink. "It was… mind… fish?"

"I like fish!" Shepard piped up, wanting to be part of the conversation too. "I have a bunch in my room! They're all flowy and fish like, and they don't die all the time anymore! I could kiss EDI for getting me that fish-feeder VI."

"You," Aria's eyes narrowed dangerously on the happily smiling human. "I thought I told you to shut up."

"Noooo; you told me to sit quietly. My sitting isn't making any noise." Shepard let her inner smartass shine proudly before yelping once again as yet another warp hit its mark.

Seeing the quite possibly suicidal commander's mouth open to speak again, Aria decided drastic measures were required and immobilised her in a stasis field. Satisfied that she would now get the quiet she desired, she once again turned her attention to the now visibly nervous batarian. Eyes narrowing to mere slits, she growled, her words sharp. "You brought her a _hallucinogenic_ drink? You brought the human I was hoping to _shut up_ and _knock unconscious_ a drink that instead did the opposite and made her _high_?"

"I-I yes? He said it would end in a big crash…" Grizz was visibly sweating now. He took it back; the spectre had a fucking _quad of_ _steel_. "Should I go ask about a counteragent?"

"Should you?" Aria's eyes flashed, watching as the batarian hightailed it to the bar once more.

Closing her eyes, Aria attempted to calm down. Slowly, her breathing returned to normal and her ire began to dissipate. Basking in the glorious peace, she leaned back in her seat; not even the horrible music was able to bother her at the moment. So focused on enjoying the reprieve from the annoyances she had endured all night, she unconsciously began releasing the commander from the stasis field she had her in. Eyes snapping open in surprise as she felt a sudden dead weight in her lap, the asari stared expressionlessly down at the peacefully sleeping human and swore.

"_Fuck_."

**O0o0o0o0o0o0O**

_**A/N: Because I took great joy in the 'look' Aria shot Shep when she woke up next to her after a night of drinking in Purgatory. Also, I couldn't remember the guards name... So I'll use Grizz.**_


End file.
